Supporting your emotional child during quarantine
We are at that point where we feel like we should be coming out of quarantine but we are seemingly still very much in it. Many or most are still working from home, kids are still not in school in many places, and camps may or may not be opening. It has all been going on for a long time now and children are burning out on managing their big feelings. They are picking up on our exasperation. Many of them are moaning and groaning, crying, stomping, and wishing for their old days. They are mad, and sad, and scared.
How can you support your emotional child when it seems like there are way more big feelings than you know what to do with?
Hint: It’s a lot more about what you do yourself than what you encourage your child to do!
BE PRESENT - Put aside distractions where and when you can, when you are not working get off your phone and be there, actively present. Quiet your mind and respond with intention. Check in with yourself and see if you are frustrated, anxious, or overwhelmed, and ask how that may be coming across to your child. Continuously check yourself.
OBSERVE AND ASK QUESTIONS- Observe your child throughout the day and ask yourself questions to get at the heart of the problem. Is it the remote learning that’s hard? Or is it the lack of movement and not getting outside enough? Could the big issue be that he or she is missing other children/friends/playmates above all? Get to the heart of what is eating at your child by observing them and taking some notes. What triggers the meltdown? When is the hardest part of the day, what transpires, how do you respond? Does that help? The answers to all of these questions will be clues as to what to put in place for you child or how to better respond. So, for example, if your child is having a hard time right before logging in for a Zoom class consider why? Is she anxious about the class/content itself? Is it hard to sit still and engage on a laptop for 30 minutes? Does she need more movement beforehand in order to feel steady and ready to learn? Does she just not like you (her parent, as opposed to her teacher) telling her what to do all day long? Answer these and see which ones jump out as more relevant based on the day’s observations.
CONNECT WITH YOUR CHILD- This does not mean go on Amazon and buy a kite for some quality kite flying bonding time, or even coming up with some awesome Lego game to play together based on your child’s interest in Lego. It means genuinely sitting quietly, watching what your child is doing and joining them. Follow their lead. Repeat and clarify what they are saying. Let your child know that you are interested in what he/she is doing. This time of connecting will allow for feelings of security and competence to emerge. They will feel emotionally safe and that is key to reducing negative behaviors. You will need to work hard to stay in the moment, listen to your child (and not make suggestions of your own), and monitor your body language and tone of voice so that it seems genuine and tuned in to your child.
This is a very difficult time for us all. I recently read the unattributed quote, “Children who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving of ways.” This may resonate with many of you exhausted parents right now. You may do all of the above suggestions and still have a child that has frequent angry outbursts or crying jags. It is ok, just keep at it, this too shall pass. Being present, observing your child and connecting with them, will all be helpful in both disarming them and making them feel understood. When your child feels safe and understood they will more likely display greater emotional regulation and will be more willing to listen and work with you! Hang in there!
If you are struggling and would like some support, please email me to set up a consultation.